Friday, 24 May 2013

What is the Life I Want?

I'm feeling really dramatic right now but I would like to let this go just like any of the stories I've told you. Okay so here it goes. While looking at my Facebook, I kept seeing stuff like people already having their Med School ID, people trying their med uniforms and stuff like that. I pretty much thought that graduating with a bachelor's degree would actually solve this thing in my head but apparently not. 

I probably told you guys already how I am really confused whether or not to enter med school but the thing is I'm still confused as eff. I can definitely see myself as a doctor but what I have to go through to get there is probably not for me. See, I confused you as well. A lot of my friends are in med school and a lot of them are entering this school year as well and I can't be anything but happy for them but thinking about myself, it's kind of depressing. Because I can't figure what I'm going to do with my life yet. It's frustrating you know. I am not regretting what I studied in college because I actually liked it for a while. It made me confuse right in the middle of it but you know, I made it through and that's by choice. 

One random night at the Pathology Office during our internship, a friend and I was sitting at the reception area of the laboratory and then my probably favorite pathologist came and asked for something and then she told us that she was there the other day even though it was her off day because she wanted to finish cutting the specimens and then she asked us if we're gonna pursue with our medicine studies. I think we both said yes and then she asked, DO YOU WANT A LIFE LIKE THIS? I don't know if she's encouraging us or not but this is what I can remember from that conversation. She said that being a doctor is no easy job. It's a lifetime commitment. She said that if we're gonna be a doctor, we can't be with our family for too long. We can't sleep straight at night because you have to sign this and that. We can't do this and we can't do that. Yes, it is financially rewarding because once you've finished studying, you will be on auction and you can have the best deal but the things you have to sacrifice to get there, so not worth it. SO THINK ABOUT IT. That hit me like hard. Is this the life I want? I probably told you about the story but I don't know.

I have to be so sure because what? Minimum of 4 years in med school would be minimum of 4 years away from my family and when that 4 years end and I am still not sure of what to do, then I don't really know what I'm gonna do with my life by then, yeah? Because it's not like doing something you're not sure of and if you don't like the result, you can proceed to a new one. Probably decide to specialize on something. It doesn't work like that. I myself doesn't want to be a doctor half-heartedly because we're talking about lives here and that's serious stuff, duh, Mikie? And so yeah. What I'm saying is that, I don't want to be a doctor just for the sake of being a doctor.

What is it that I want? I want to travel. Not for conventions and stuff. Not because there's a new disease and this is what we have to do to cure or prevent it and then go home because I have patients waiting for me to give them prescriptions or I have an operation due. I want to travel to experience and see for myself what the rest of the World is up to. I don't want to talk to family thru the phone or Skype with them while I am on the Doctor's Lounge having my 10 minute break or whatever. I want to spend time with my family. I want to see my sisters grow and become a lady. I don't know. I think being a doctor is a calling but whoever is making the call, I hope you got a good reception and if I feel the urge to answer, then I will.

I probably shouldn't be freaking out right now but you know, sometimes I am being attacked by my demons and stuff so I have to kind of put them somewhere else. Have a good day! :)

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